Sunday, 7 September 2008

Ichiban kowai no wa... Ichiban tsurai no wa...Dais'ki na hito ni kirai warate shimau koto dakara.

I finally understand! I finally undertand what Arima was going through, I finally undertand just what Yukino meant by "Arima do not just wish to be loved, but what Arima really wanted is to love"

=====Spoiler Alert for those you haven't finish Kare Kano=====

After reading Raven and Mikhail story, I finally understood how Raven and Arima are (especially Arima's) feeling.

They felt that Yukino and Mikhail are well above them, and that they don't deserve to have such joy given to them. I always thought that when a guy said to the girl that he loves he doesn't deserve her was crap, and that he was weak and in a way a hypocrite (in a way that he's lying to himself). Iya you.

But, it's not that... They wish to also give the love that their partners deserve... To be able to have that kind of "My feeling won't also lose to another"-belief
... To love freely, and... truly.

It's like when Arima was small, when his uncle and aunt (his current parent) shower him with many things to show their love as a parent, like her Mom (his aunt) would always make him cakes and likes, and said they were all for him, Arima would always hesitated and asked "is this for him?"a few times...
Because Arima real parent abandoned him, his father went to seek his dream, while he was left with his abusive mother. His mother'd shoved the love he was trying to give...

When it was summer, the hot weather...
his mother took him for a walk. She bought herself an ice cream while she let him suffered in the horrible hea. Seeing that, the ice cream lady took pity and offered Arima an ice cream, she went berserk and trampled the food... immediately dragged Arima back home. Lock all the doors and windows, closed the curtains and start hitting him.

When they went to a festival, where it is crowded with people,his mother would walk really fast as if she'd forgotten her son, Arima was trying to catch up with his mother's fast pace (at the same time calling out for her) and when he reached her, she gave an eerie and satisfied smile.
Arima always had bruises everywhere on his body, so he never understood why the other kids his age would shuddered, laughed and teased him when he tried to approach them to play along, they called him a monster,he came back crying and went into the bathroom, reached for a stool,then saw himself in the sink mirror. He broke down.

Arima grew up being afraid to love.

I understand now... Arima his childhood... Like when you trying to give someone you really love (like a mother) a gift on the Christmas day, the gift you work by collecting money for years and you were so sure and proud of it, then found out that the gift was treated as a petty thing... was shoved in front of your face as if it was dirty.

This emotion... in some part is.... the same as when you hate yourself.

It's worst than being ignored...
Trying so hard to impress that person,
but then the efforts were mocked...
to be regard as unimportant... It's a painful feeling.

Slowly the voice of the inner heart is closing.

They say that if you wish for people to like you, you must first like yourself.
But, how? when we can only see our bad sides...
That's why we hate ourselves.
That's not it... I started to learn to like myself when there's someone say they like me
when I'm in my worst moment.
It's not a judgement, but to see the good sides from that bad things.
It is not understanding nor it is pity.

The feeling of acceptance from another, finally we would forgive ourselves little by little.

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