Unwell

Its been long since I have stop indulging in the therapeutic alone time. I used to like reading books, fictional one especially just because its my escapade from my plain somewhat barren real life. Although, I was very happy and I was full of dreams. I used to enjoy drawing and sometime if I was in very lively mood I would do a bit of step-up from just using a pencil and sketch book. I was passionate about anything to do with japanese from food, culture, shinto belief and mostly manga/anime. I would always argued with my elders about the "fun" and intriguing it is from their communism history impact to our country (I think racism starts from having countries authoritarian possessive histories). I complete stop that right after my summer ended. Part of me suddenly just died there. I think it is dying before that but I do feel maybe it completely died from that end of summer. I am not yearning for that past but I think I haven't forgiven yet. Who and what exactly I m still not sure.

I also once believe we can do anything, anything that we think we can't is just an excuse to avoid... what?

Am I happy compared to my life before? Do I need to see which is "more" in that? I need to know what/where/when went wrong. I do know it didn't started as "sudden", it all begins by my gradual decisions whether it is a wrong one or mistake one, probably karma as well.

12.12.2010

Bedhair

Applying architectural term into Mon cherie's maddening displeasing morning hair.

Front Elevation/ Plan View

Side Elevation

Uh-oh!

Home

I supposed I'm a little too excited, I feel like brand new all of the sudden. Well, not sudden to be honest. I finally getting two amazingly considerate Imperial girls to be my housemates, and hopefully a place we all decidedly satisfy with. I already saw one, and I'm praying Fara would feel the same way as I am about the location and condition. I know its a couple station further away from the original area. But taking into the account all the pros, I dearly hope she wouldn't mind the cons of traveling.

I cant stop day dreaming though especially about Ridhwan coming to stay over the vacations *giggling like a school girl. I'm not gonna go into detail since I once read somewhere what you put on the net stays forever which leads to invitation for the psychotic stalker to do some ummmm stalking, *again giggling hehehehhee.

Anyyyway, that is not why I'm posting new entry. I promised mon cherie I write something new (of course about him) and promised to myself since a couple of weeks ago but haven't got around to it, so here. Afterall, I can't sleep after 2 and half hour of POC3 with Cherie, the remaining 30 mins we slept until 1am, so while waiting for him to arrive home I might as well do this before anyone nags me to.

That's one of many reasons why i adore him perfectly. Aside from opening the passenger seat's door and cherishing me when I unreasonable upset feeling a little bit weighting at the wee hour and god I tell you he was snoring but he still tried to comfort me. This is what you will have gentlemen when your women is being visited by aunt irma every once a month. It's not only that, the day I arrived malaysia we listened to some random songs on the radio and one of it was "She's the one" and we both admitted that is one of our all-time fav song. I started to be childish and complain that he never dedicated the song to me, he then defended with forgetting and unromantically "nah, amik la song ni". I would feel a tad disappointed and he would always surprise me by singing the song, I know then the song is for me. Eventhough the things he done are unconsciously, they are all the things I'm grateful with, because he is forgiving for all the selfish things I want of him.

I love you, my Ridhwan.

Portsmouth Joke

At one of the bar. Unnie was looking at the menu, and of course it was mostly filled with alcoholic drinks.

Unnie : Hah! nie syg, tequilla shots

Fairuz-nii gave a short pause and the pretended to eagerly assent with the idea. I vaguely recall he replied something like "ade byk tu" (there's a lot there to choose from)

Unnie : yg ni.. tropical illusion... ni.. mojito.. and this..

Fairuz-nii: .............

Unnie : Hah! yang ni, perfect sex *with a cheeky smile*

Fairuz-nii : *smirking* daa ade.

=_= ;;

I kneel before You, O-the Infinite

Dear Allah,

It's me again. Firstly as usual, I wish to convey my thanks to the luxury You have emphatically grant for my well-being so far and still remember me by giving chances to repent myself. However, I am still lost (not in my belief surely, I pray so much I would never hesitate when it comes to You, insyaallah, I love You with my entire being).

Well, I am not here to nag you ( I do them in my prayers). I am here to humbly request you to give Shi-chan Your Strength and Your Ni'mat especially at this current moments. She is chasing her dreams (which I know I need not tell you), thus please please please give her a chance once again. I do strongly believe You know what's best, I am just here to pray for her as well. She is afterall I believe a "guardian angel" (I couldn't find any other suitable word for friend+sister+champion+protector+soulmate+trustee) You have the most kindness to comply me with. I pray you will let me keep this friendship until the end.

Yours truly

Thara L.

p.s.: Forgive me for not writing these more refine as I should.

GMT-0 24June 6.23p.m.

I was once been told not to let people see you cry, cause it will attracts pity.

I don't want to be pitied...


When you have seen so many tears, you become immune to it.









Everytime you ignore me, it made me feel bad
Everytime you got upset, it made me feel bad.
Everytime you point out my mistake, it made me feel bad.
Everytime you reason, it made me feel incompetent

































































































Now everytime I cry, you get frustrated...







I promise I wont cry infront of you ever again, I'm sorry.

Teasing Forest

Our bond is just a meeting between 2 worlds, a bridge we share but couldn't, wouldn't and never want to cross. Between us, we created a transparent wall, not to keep each other out but more to protect ourselves from each other...

But I'm facing a punishment, for letting myself be exposed at the front of your entrance, with naivety I forced myself to cross that bridge because I thought the grass is greener from the other side. Because of the difference, I didn't realize I am too square to fit among rectangular. I was a laughingstock, I guess. But I was saved... I think I was... ....... I think... I think... I still do think...

Breath

To My Lost Dreamer

If you're still alive, under the sea,
I'll cut off both my legs and become a fish.

If you come close enough for me to fall into the depths,
I'll become a shadow, wandering the endless darkness.

Entrancingly drifting in the air, my shimmering haze,
I only remembered the days that weren't granted to us.
You're not here.
I know that. I know that.

Rising, rising, the sun
Purifies this place.
The seal carved in blue
Is stolen away by the warm, warm wind.

If these words ever reach you,
I'll take my living body and throw it away.

A present that has erased my vivid wounds -
Your warmth that steals everything -
I longed for them, I searched for them
Even though they're illusions.

Vanishing, vanishing, your warmth
Follows me to this place.
Your arms that could wipe away even punishment -
I want to sleep embracing them.

Rising, rising, the sun
Purifies this place.
Your arms that could wipe away even punishment -
I want to sleep embracing them.

Vanishing, vanishing, your warmth
Follows me to this place.
The seal carved in blue
Is stolen away by the warm, warm wind.

The splinters of memories are rotting away.
The piercings that fill me aren't enough.
I'm forgetting - it's blurring -
Your voice disappears in the noise.

They're rotting, they're shedding -
The piercings that fill me aren't enough.
Without leaving a trace - I'm forgetting -
Your voice is becoming noise.

Yume no Tsubasa

Even like this, the two of us came from faraway
We can’t return to your smile
From when you were young back then anymore

I love the world in which you laugh
And I want to be by your side, just that
With pains that I started to forget in my chest

time goes by
The flow of time changes the two of us
But the things that we’ve lost and things that we dream of, too
I’ll take your hand and remember them
I’m always by your side

Because I want to remember even the sad things
On your map
Please leave a page for me

The wind that blows from the future
You believed in it back then
Tomorrow, soar up higher…

time goes by
Even if time passes, I’m sure that unchanging things exist
Because I can’t reach them, because I want to find them
I’ll go search for the wings of dreams
Please be by my side, forever…

I’ll be by your side, forever…

j'adore

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Look up

It's astonishing how your feelings and perspectives can change easily just by making a list. I am talking about the pros and cons sort of list.

The first list of pro and cons I made is when I was 15-16 years old. That was when I had my first boyfriend. It's quirky as at that particular time I was considering the beautiful things he did for me also about him between the not so keen for my self-esteem and wounded thing for my emotions. In a more direct manner, it was a broke up list. And it's funny (but not in laughable manner), from the list I decided to give up the relationship.

I remember another list (but more like a statement) about the intern I did back home, just before I started my foundation. The list has became more like a venting, as in the end I gain a lot from the place which helped me tremendously afterwards. By the way, I tore it and threw it away (because my mom found out when she did the washing).

I supposed I learn something about me out of this is that I like to re-organize (whether it is my wardrobe, my drawers, my books alphabetically, my room, my boxes, or even my life) when I am at the lowest point. I need to feel a firm grip in my life when I am helpless.

I am still reading eat, pray and love. I intentionally read it slowly and take my own sweet time finishing it (I have this habit see, I wont try to finish a book if it's intrigued my mind poignantly). I supposed most women can connect to what she had gone through in the book (as I am right now).

"Guilt's just your ego's way of tricking you into thinking that you're making moral progress. Don't fall for it my dear." -- Vivian former Catholic nun in South Africa

Just like Elizabeth said, I too have been do a lot with guilt. I always weave my selfish wants and then reason them with guilt.

Don't look this way

Time, tell me the truth

I don't like you.

It's not that you are every nice things

It's not that you are cheerful

It's the way you make me feel

I don't like you.

You make feel I'm wrong

I don't like you.

You captured my truth

Memories aren't cruel

Bond is

I can't escape

I don't like you.

You make me stay

I don't like you.

You refused to listen

I don't like you.

You ignored my pleas

I don't like you.

You silence my voice

I don't like you.

You shut my soul

I don't like you.

You push me to bleed

I don't like you.

You let me taste bitter salt

I don't like you.

You love one side of me

I don't like you

I am not you nor yours.

I wish I was not your last button

Too many senses I can't breath

In this rush tide, I'm flooded.

I cant move

I cant reach

The only way is to follow

but...

I cant fit

I dont match

Will atleast once the tidal change it's course

Just once...

Give me a hole

So that the flow may consider to change

I wish I was the sky's favourite shooting star, not the sun

Just once again...

I know that you love me, but I wish you were in love with me.

Fill these spaces up with days
in my room you can go you can stay

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

Now these years locked on my drawer
I'll open to see just to be sure

I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And so i'm reaching out for the one
And so i've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
And watching through my own light
As it tints the shade of you

Hold my wine hold it in
Nobody's lost but nobody wins

And I can't sleep
I can't speak to you
I can't sleep

And so i'm reaching out for the one
And so i've learned the meaning of the sun
And all this like a message comes to shift my point of view
And watching through my own light
As it tints the shade of you

I cant sleep, I cant speak to you
I cant sleep, I cant speak to you
I cant sleep, I cant speak to you
I cant sleep, I cant speak to you
I cant sleep, I cant speak to you
I cant sleep, I cant speak to you

Émotion privée

Merci d'attirer mon attention, merci de partager votre bel amour, merci de me vouloir dans votre vie.

Merci de tout que vous êtes vers moi.

Je te dis cela je t'aime chaque fois, mais échouer malheureux pour exprimer it' ; la signification la plus vraie de s.Les sentiments qui ont allumé le feu dans mon esprit et apportent la paix à mon coeur.

Vous êtes égoïste pourtant affectueusement tendre. Vous me donnez tout dont je veux et ai besoin, et refrain tout qui me gardent de sentir faiblement la tristesse. Je sais maintenant ce que signifie il pour que quelqu'un ombrage une certaine lumière à votre vie

Votre sourire fait mon coeur aspire à vous.

Votre rire me remplit avec joie.

Votre seule présence chauffera n'importe quelle pièce.

Juste vous s'asseyant près de moi me donnez la facilité.

Quand vous regardez ma manière, je sens le monde tremblant.

Quand vous me tenez étroitement, je me sens complètement pour appartenir.

Vous êtes ma maison...

Ainul

Simple.

A good friend of mine that is never too boastful or never too humble.

A close friend of mine that is mature for her own age and still young in her way of thinking. (basically she's not childishhh! hah! cough)

A person who still has her share of hardships but still content with her being.

Thank you for teaching me about life.

Luv~

27 Jan 2010