Its been long since I have stop indulging in the therapeutic alone time. I used to like reading books, fictional one especially just because its my escapade from my plain somewhat barren real life. Although, I was very happy and I was full of dreams. I used to enjoy drawing and sometime if I was in very lively mood I would do a bit of step-up from just using a pencil and sketch book. I was passionate about anything to do with japanese from food, culture, shinto belief and mostly manga/anime. I would always argued with my elders about the "fun" and intriguing it is from their communism history impact to our country (I think racism starts from having countries authoritarian possessive histories). I complete stop that right after my summer ended. Part of me suddenly just died there. I think it is dying before that but I do feel maybe it completely died from that end of summer. I am not yearning for that past but I think I haven't forgiven yet. Who and what exactly I m still not sure.
I also once believe we can do anything, anything that we think we can't is just an excuse to avoid... what?
Am I happy compared to my life before? Do I need to see which is "more" in that? I need to know what/where/when went wrong. I do know it didn't started as "sudden", it all begins by my gradual decisions whether it is a wrong one or mistake one, probably karma as well.
12.12.2010
