Jisatsu

I'm easily bored.

I can get lost inside of building. But quite good on road.
I walk... compelled by wherever my legs bring me XD

I'm deviously charming ----> according to Shi-chan!
Until now, she's still awed by my charming side (especially towards those who I less like) (^===^)

Apparently I have low self-esteem but not self-pity,
I HATE self-pity!
that's why I'd react strongly if someone pity me
(sympathize--- only a certain range of people would, if not I'll be offended).
Yeah, I'm prideful

I may look weak, but kekekkekekkeke.
You're dangerously in dire position if you think I'm timid and...softy?

I'm a fool but how would you know if I'm not pretending to be one? ufufufuufu
(this is actually when I'm on guard),
if I'm not I really am a fool and simple-minded

I take everything and reflect nothing
(in front of you that is :P)

I would try my hardest to make the pretentious into real scenario

Don't try to pry into my soul! I'll stop running when
I see you stay patiently. (Thank you Shi-chan!)

In a way, I haven't grow up yet! I still can't open up myself freely, in fact I became more cynical
hahahahaha at least I'm thankful to have someone to rely on
(other than mua family).

I guess... it's true... but I can't bring myself to admit,
that's why I'm not moving forward... or is it because
I can't say "It's fine, everything will be alright" until it "is"

I don't know how to react on people kindness
(Kindness = it's not when it is convenient, or...capability.
it's a willingness to put others first, a
sacrifice if you'd like to call but it doesn't
explain the broadness of kindness)

I'm not a... self-satisfied person, that's why I gonna move forward (whether it's fast or slow, I'm going to look back)

I'm very possessive, I won't give the people I care up easily.
Thought I'm not the jealous type XP. So if you try to have
the same affection that I received from the ones I care, I'll
be gladly be your opponent. I must emphasize I'm a sore loser!
XDDD

I said I have a low self-esteem. And a high pride. It's
ridiculously a contradiction.











The answer is quite simple I'm a sore loser!.
I'm not strong but I'm not weak either.
It's not that I want to win but I refused to be a failure.


I dislike analytical person. ----------> random statement

Aitai...

Ne...

Ima wa.... anata wa nani shiterun'da?
Ima wa.... nanika wo kimochi darou?

Ne...
Why do you seem to know me but, not fully understand me?

Sore demo, I'm thankful for that...
because that way, I can see your kindness.

...I rely on you too much...

Ne, shiteru?
The first time we're fated to know each other,
I used you.
Even so, you insisted on seeing me as a victim.
why is that?

Back then, I wasn't particularly naive
I was just afraid.
I got the chance and I wanted to use it to beat my past!

Somehow, you managed to climb over the hidden wall I disguised myself from...

The reason how we are now is actually because of you
You have been patient with me the whole way
You continue to accept me until I learn to trust you back

So, it's not that I care for you because you do for me.

Ne...
Shiteru?
You pull me from an addictive friendship to a rare one
But I still protect those memories

Ne...

Mou dame.
ningen sonzai wa mendoukusai...

sou janai kute.

massugu aisuru yuuki o hoshi daiyou ne...
minna-tachi mo kitto...

Hoshi ni jiyuu da.

Winter Sleep

It keeps coming back to me
I remember this pain
It spreads across my eyes
Everything is dull

Everyone's smiling, they're smiling
It pushes me far far away
I can't understand
Everything is blue

Can you hear me out there?

Will you hold me now Hold me now My frozen heart
I'm gazing from the distance and
I feel everything pass through me
I can't be alone right now
Will you hold me now Hold me now My frozen heart
I'm lost in a deep winter sleep
I can't seem to find my way out alone
Can you wake me

I know when I let it in
It hides love from this moment
So I guard it close
I watch the moves it makes

But it gets me, but it gets me
I wish I could understand how I
Could make it disappear, make it disappear

Anyone out there hear me now?

Will you hold me now Hold me now My frozen heart
Kiss my lips and maybe you can take me to your world for now
I can't be alone right now
Will you hold me now Hold me now My frozen heart
Please make it all go away
Am I ever gonna feel myself again?
I hope I will

Olivia inspi' Reira (Trapnest)

Ichiban kowai no wa... Ichiban tsurai no wa...Dais'ki na hito ni kirai warate shimau koto dakara.

I finally understand! I finally undertand what Arima was going through, I finally undertand just what Yukino meant by "Arima do not just wish to be loved, but what Arima really wanted is to love"

=====Spoiler Alert for those you haven't finish Kare Kano=====

After reading Raven and Mikhail story, I finally understood how Raven and Arima are (especially Arima's) feeling.

They felt that Yukino and Mikhail are well above them, and that they don't deserve to have such joy given to them. I always thought that when a guy said to the girl that he loves he doesn't deserve her was crap, and that he was weak and in a way a hypocrite (in a way that he's lying to himself). Iya you.

But, it's not that... They wish to also give the love that their partners deserve... To be able to have that kind of "My feeling won't also lose to another"-belief
... To love freely, and... truly.

It's like when Arima was small, when his uncle and aunt (his current parent) shower him with many things to show their love as a parent, like her Mom (his aunt) would always make him cakes and likes, and said they were all for him, Arima would always hesitated and asked "is this for him?"a few times...
Because Arima real parent abandoned him, his father went to seek his dream, while he was left with his abusive mother. His mother'd shoved the love he was trying to give...

When it was summer, the hot weather...
his mother took him for a walk. She bought herself an ice cream while she let him suffered in the horrible hea. Seeing that, the ice cream lady took pity and offered Arima an ice cream, she went berserk and trampled the food... immediately dragged Arima back home. Lock all the doors and windows, closed the curtains and start hitting him.

When they went to a festival, where it is crowded with people,his mother would walk really fast as if she'd forgotten her son, Arima was trying to catch up with his mother's fast pace (at the same time calling out for her) and when he reached her, she gave an eerie and satisfied smile.
Arima always had bruises everywhere on his body, so he never understood why the other kids his age would shuddered, laughed and teased him when he tried to approach them to play along, they called him a monster,he came back crying and went into the bathroom, reached for a stool,then saw himself in the sink mirror. He broke down.

Arima grew up being afraid to love.

I understand now... Arima his childhood... Like when you trying to give someone you really love (like a mother) a gift on the Christmas day, the gift you work by collecting money for years and you were so sure and proud of it, then found out that the gift was treated as a petty thing... was shoved in front of your face as if it was dirty.

This emotion... in some part is.... the same as when you hate yourself.

It's worst than being ignored...
Trying so hard to impress that person,
but then the efforts were mocked...
to be regard as unimportant... It's a painful feeling.

Slowly the voice of the inner heart is closing.

They say that if you wish for people to like you, you must first like yourself.
But, how? when we can only see our bad sides...
That's why we hate ourselves.
That's not it... I started to learn to like myself when there's someone say they like me
when I'm in my worst moment.
It's not a judgement, but to see the good sides from that bad things.
It is not understanding nor it is pity.

The feeling of acceptance from another, finally we would forgive ourselves little by little.

I feel downright dejected.

I promise to myself (or was it to Shi-chan too) that I would call Shi-pyon as soon as I got back home (I even saved her num[s] in my em-nok ::..mind you, I only memorize your house phone), but as soon as I reached home I got sick. Now here I am.... my nose can literally breath in and out air without any annoyance of feeling one-sided (if this random-nish make any sense), I can speak now without that irritating sore throat stop me, and my gum didn't make any excruciating pain (mom said it was because of the constant blowing your nose)...and my vit decided to make a break for it before I can finish the whole thing off.
So I guess I'll be seeing her next week, insyaallah.---->I'm not taking bout that insensible vitamin.

This friday I'll be going back ....err to where my dad is now... but that weekend we'll be having family-gath, so I've yet to see namy (goooooommmmeeeennnn >_<), but I think I'll try visiting her on friday or before I go back home.. I need to sleeeeeeepppppppppp~ ::.yawn..:: .

Ack, nee-san just got herself pre-hook
And yeah, I'm writing in mymultipleotherself mode or more like "mood"

Ack... one of my eyebrows fell.

I'm taking a "lunch-break".

At the moment I'm editting Pandora Hearts (now I'm somewhat intrigued by this manga, people at manga abyss keep asking for it's release haha)So I'd myself volunteered to help the Shonen sect. I'm actually part of Shoujo sect.
::..So please come visit Manga Abyss's forum, we have lots of genres and the people there are all nice cough..cough...somewhat..hyper..cough.. tee hee XD..::

Etto... what else (my back hurts and my eyes are at the point where you can see invisible dust at the corner of your eyes =____= uhhh...)

OMG!!!! It's 7 august!!! I've only one month till this my-chance-to-be-day-nyao-time is over!!!! ahhhrrraraara~

....hiatus (going out for a while).....

came back from jusco

.....hiatus.............................

came back from meeting with Fairu-nii's family~

oyasumi.

Kimi ga Hohoemu Nara (If You Smile)

The foreign lullabye you sing to yourself...
I thought I could hear
its sweet, heartbreaking melody.
Ah... Is it alright to rest?
No matter how much time passes,
the flame that burned the sky
continues endlessly.
Ah... Fighting against

A anguished prayer on behalf of all people
And then a worn-out, sad person

If you smile,
I can take any kind of pain;
even if this body perishes.
If you smile,
I'm sure my spirit will be resurrected,
because I was born
to protect your dreams.

I want to become much stronger.
I've wished for that.
I won't be driven off by weakness.
I won't be defeated by anyone.
Ah... I was revering myself
But when I met you,
for the first time, I realized
that no matter where you take my trust,
you take my love.
Ah... That's true strength.

You console and heal my frozen heart.
You're a gentle person, resembling the soft sunlight.

If you smile
I'd do anything for that.
Even if I live the kind of life that's only pain
If you smile
I'd overcome a thousand nights.
I promise that, until your dreams are realized,
I will not be defeated.

The foreign lullabye you sing to yourself...
After having waited for so long,
the morning sun rises.
Is it alright to rest now?

Tomite and Hikitsu's Character Vocal
Performed by Hiyama Nobuyuki and Iwanaga Tetsuya

Gahh!

I don't know why I even bother to start this blog stuff when I'm not even a... revealing person (if such term even exist) ::...there's a lot "even" going on..::

Anyway, just came back from morning class.. We had our mid-term exam 3 days ago(IMTIHAN!!!) nyeeeee~, the exam was 2 hours duration and I finished it within half an hour ngehehehehehehehehhehe~...

We (Nul-tan and my cousin and her friends) went to an anime convention a couple of days... it was... pathetic really... Although, it was fun (on the average scale). You can count the number of booths were there with your hand. The cosplay... I thought they were disturbing aha!... But the doujinshi booth was rather cute, I got to have a drawing of chibi-SuJu!!! (afyummmmmm... I can't wait for they to announce the date of their Asia Tour!)

And then, yesterday we (Nul-rurin and my parent) went to pc convention (WICT)--if I'm not mistaken the title... Anyway, my main scheme was to go to kino kekekeke, I bought the Shinkuro vol 10 the original version

It's in jap, so I bought this bacause I want to learn how to read kataana and hiiragana...

Hibernation!!!!!!!!!

The title said it all!! ufufufufufuf The inevitable biological clock! kekekekeke.... cough....

It's the 2nd day of my final break which means 23 days to go till short term begins poking me -more like stabbing me- with "MORNING CLASS". Yes, the unavoidable doom that most student face....:huge sigh:.. Ma! if I'm lucky I might get a pleasant looking lecturer kekekeke

Speaking of which... I'm currently watching WaT and realized something. These people, I mean they are what you would called a... people who have beauty as their asset . But I think what really that made people attracted to them is basically their optimistic.. guts. They have the talent to do anything silly or mortify to some of us and actually turning it into an enjoyment. And they'd turn tv hosts' judgmental comment into an innocent amusement. So I understand a bit why some celeb could portrayed a good role model and why some fans choose them. Not just physical image but the most important is positiveness. This world is already too cynical, and i guess these people from time to time remind us of the strength to smile.

Bah! That have been said. Mum went out, saying something about having breakfast with her friend, but it's almost lunch time, I haven't taken my bath, make the bed, clean my room or even eaten yet- what a "productive" life I have (quo: my centralize sister heh) ... yup, nothing unusual about this morning. And here I was planning on finishing my oneshot, and maybe reading some biography on famous artists and working on with my creative skill... Yosh! Gambaru! Fighting that leech lazion creature off you!

for WaT fans----> bokura no ibasho manga

My old stuff

I will give You my first love~

Rumagging through Azu-chan deviantart made me reminisced on how I was once really in love with drawing and creating my own kingdom... (and I still am in love with drawings, but the joys I was feeling is diminishing)... well it's not really diminishing,rather it's disappearing... I still remember vividly how an -call it whatever you like- inspiration hit me...
I'm not sure how to put it... it feels like you're in an ethereal forest, the smells of fresh morning trees, the voices of the forest maze,
or looking up at the bluest bright sky when standing on a freelance pirate's ship, going on a voyage in 17's or 19's century, the sound of seagulls and the song of the seawaves...vague but certain... The feeling of searching but without a track...

I've lived in fantasies, it gave me a sense of living and.... longing. It satisfied me but at the same time made me want more. It's like when I'm being greedy when reading a certain book or gazing at an art, trying to remember all the lines, textures, colours, emotions... They telling me their story...How I wish to go back to those time.

Here, I speak my oath, someday when I finally blessed with the return of my solitary, I'll tell my story through arts.

1,2,3....

Just finish washing my hair~~ hehehe. Thank God I didnt bump into those friends of mine who are cultivating the room of 136,137,139,140. They will act surprise and tease me about showering for the 2nd time of the day..hmmph!

Anyway, today I feel like it has been strectched longer than usual. I was sure that on btq class my group wont be presenting the last topic yet. It was kimi's group who presented the second last topic for today class. So I told t-qah, if there were a possiblity that our group would atleast present the first sub-topic, I'll buy some time by asking a lot of questions and make an expression "I'm too slow to understand and need further examples" during the q&a session. I didnt expect that most of us are seizing the answers to everyone questions. It was funny! when kimi n his members gave the look "ask one more and you're dead!" and everyone ignored the look and kept on asking questions (it was amusing). Eventually my first prediction was right, our group were never in danger of presenting to begin with heh.

Silent Memory

This was first developed like 2 to 3 years ago... My first poem which based on nuff knowledge of mine aha.

...........................................................................

...........................................................................

I had a dream
It all began when
my fear compelled me to run away from darkness
my grieveness compelled me to run away from myself
...........................................................................

When reality was harsh
Dream would be my escape
...........................................................................

I want to forget the painful event
I want to forget the slapping rejections
I want to forget the broken feeling
but...
What I most wanted is someone to look for me,
when I shut myself out
...........................................................................

Dream has became my wish, my longing...
my answer.
...........................................................................

Your voice made me lookup
Your generous hand made me reach up
Your gentle caress soothed my fear
Your warmth embrace made me feel protected
...........................................................................

I wish it would be endless
I wish it could be clearer
I wish to see you more
...........................................................................

So I searched for any shred that reminded me of you
But...
...........................................................................

'You are what you are.'
Same as for dream
Illusion couldn't replace reality
then...
...........................................................................

Your presence became less each passing sleeps
You were disappearing
I realized the reason you've vanished
is because I've betrayed you
All because of my selfish need for you more.
...........................................................................

I tried to search for you
I did many things
I called, I pleaded, I waited,
Sometime I found you but
when I tried to reach you,
Either you were immediately gone or
it was never really you
You never did appear again.
...........................................................................

I remember vividly the first time you came to me...
...........................................................................

...........................................................................

(author's note: when I read back, it's suxxxxx!!! >_<)

uh.

A first suscitate blogpost should always bring forth an exultation from the master--->( i like the sound of that heh) ......cough...... huh? Alas, after much persuasion from a persistent, surprisingly (I might add) willing unpaid harasser sister of mine..... my humble blog is created.

the end.


(author's note: this is the place I will put aside my dignity and complaint as much as I want, so there, dear sista! kekkekekekekke)